’Tis the time of the year when folks gather around the old conifer, or around the scarred kitchen table, or in the dining room after hours and tell stories.

Got an e-mail that asked me to relate some of the goofier things that happened in my 32-year career with McDonald’s—deals gone sour, things that seemed goofy but worked, bizarre presentations, and other quirks. So, I thought this might be the time to unload. Sit back and just enjoy this one. I won’t rail on you to do something, and I promise not to use the word “economy” even once (beyond this sentence). This one is for the holiday season.

I categorized the stories into Advertising, Promotion, and Operations, and I’ll ignore chronology.

Let’s start with Advertising: Agency guy walks in and says that he knows Ronald is lonely. He should have a family, a wife, kids, aunts, uncles, grandparents, the works. And, they all should look exactly like Ronald. I told him that even with a zipper that long, Ronald couldn’t have kids.

Another time I looked at some advertising from one of our new international countries. Beautiful pictures of a Big Mac—too beautiful. They had used Quarter Pounder patties. Darn thing was gorgeous, so I called them. They didn’t see the problem. We serve Quarter Pounders, too. I still have one of those pictures. Speaking of Big Mac, several agencies tried to put a tomato on a Big Mac. One said it made it look prettier. Yes, it does.

Once we were really stuck for a new advertising campaign for Big Mac. Finally, a genius agency guy said,“Let’s tell them what the ingredients are.” Well, that sounds boring until he chanted it to music: “Twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun.” We ran the stores out of meat and buns the first weekend we ran it, with no promotion, just advertising.

There’s also the time Ronald was faltering in the polls. We couldn’t seem to come up with a new idea. So a new, hot agency was hired to come up with something. They did, all right, and gave me the first set of ulcers I had trying to keep our advertising on track. They made three Ronald commercials. The objective was to make him more appealing to older kids. They had him in a pool hall betting on the shots, in a disco with a drink glass in his hand, and on a golf course completely ignoring a kids’ gallery. It was almost as bad as the Ronald I saw once in the South who sat on a flat bed trailer and as the kids filed by, he handed them a premium, and said, “Cheer, now git.”

Then there was the market that decided to stop all marketing and save the money. You should have seen their sales, talk about the Dow.

Promotion: I got a proposal from a 100-piece accordion band that wanted to tour every McDonald’s. One hundred of these folks doing the bellows shake for Lady of Spain as you slurp your shake.

But, that can’t top the guy who had a proposal to increase our sales from teens. The Quarter Pounder meal—a Quarter Pounder, fries, drink, a condom, and a box with sex education information, and, in his words, “games and puzzles about sex.”

Then there was the store manager who was putting a shot of brandy in every egg nog shake at the holidays. He had a very happy clientele.

Of course, I had a couple of good ones, too. Happy Meals originated in my region, and I thought they would be a hit and fought hard for money to test. And, gift certificates. Who would have thought people would pay 50 cents to get 50 cents of food? No deal, but, again, a hit.

Lastly there’s Operations: These are just a few of the ones I was involved in. You can imagine what an old McDonald’s operations guy could tell you.

Our uniforms were kind of old fashioned. They hired a designer. His idea? Dress the crew exactly like Ronald. Can you imagine your teenager going to work looking like Ronald?

Then there’s the time operations presented the breakfast menu to marketing. The famous agency quote after seeing the bacon and egg biscuit: “Let me get this right. You want me to sell round bacon and a square egg?” Yep!

Of course there’s also the Triple Ripple story. We needed a dessert. The idea was to buy your ice cream cone with the rest of your order. The cone could drive nails through an oak board and did the same for teeth. We were voted the No. 1 quick-serve by the Dentists’ Association.

Desserts aren’t always busts, though. Apple pie was doing well, so how about a cherry pie? A spokesman went on the morning talk shows to introduce cherry pie. Willard Scott cut the pie open to see how many cherries were in it. Of course, this was a set up to embarrass the spokesperson because there was only one cherry. The reply was, “That’s why we don’t call it cherries pie.”

I hope you have had a few chuckles at our expense. The merriest of Christmases from Kate, me, Hubcap, Latte, and Cowboy.

Peace and Happy Trails.